Reflections, looking ahead, hunger and need for change

I was just lying in my bed reading this book and it just seemed like a good time to post what is on my heart. I am nearly 3 weeks late but I have been wanting to reflect on the incredible year that I just had. 2010 was a year of major changes, major deliverances, and pretty much the best year of my life. It was the year of renewal in love for our wounded and turbulent marriage, a year of deliverance from crippling depression, shedding a bunch of weight, including weights of my own self condemnation, and most importantly, a year of learning what it really means to learn more of God as Father. Having never had an earthly father, this lesson has been one that I have been very slow to learn. He really IS my Father and ALWAYS will be. I am His forever and nothing will ever change that. I am still chewing on and trying to digest this fact; the fact that I can never do anything that will make Him give up on me or stop loving me.

So as I say goodbye to last year, there is a certain amount of fear. Seems like the only place to go from a year like that was down; or actually from a God perspective, that would be up. But my perspective is always marred, always smudged with the black of unbelief. Back to sitting on the hard bench of suffering to learn what I need to learn? Like, ok Tina, now you've enjoyed a lot of good things from Me, it's time to learn some hard lessons again. Time for clouds and rain after lots of sunshine and oh, how I've always been so scared of those clouds and rain.

Now I am having trouble gathering my thoughts... but in essence, I feel like I feasted on all His gifts last year and neglected the Giver. I gobbled them all up and wanted more and more, yet was never satisfied and always coming up empty. I have quickly forgotten all His mercies to me last year and barrelled right into this year wearing the same old clothes of discontent and grumbling, blinded again by unbelief and ingratitude, all the while trying to fill myself, succeeding for a time and then coming up empty again. Running away instead of running to. I need a filling. I need to drink. I am becoming thirsty again. And then that book comes in the mail yesterday... a day when I'm full of bitterness and complaining. A day when I didn't want to get out of my pajamas.
Having a son on the verge of being a prodigal will do that to you. Tear up this aching mother heart whose worst fear seems to be coming true. A day when everything around me screams it has all been for nothing. You failed!! Bad wife, bad mother, bad Christian... bad, bad, bad. And that old enemy of mine just loves to whisper his accusations in my ear, and I eat them up, time after time. But I don't realize they are coming from my enemy and myself. Of course, I am my own worst enemy at times. I listen to the accusations that God could not be good. I listen and the anger and hatred festers. The fists beat hard. I wail and scream inside if not out. No, No, NO!!! No more pain. No more hard medicine. I can't swallow it anymore. I run and hide in my bed. Then I pick up her book.
Her story of healing.

And I am mesmerized. I am moved. I am pierced to the very depths of my unbelieving and spoiled brat heart. There is so much I could write about this book, which I am only halfway through, but time escapes me right now. All I can say is it is profoundly moving and it will force you to dig down deep. It will "mess with you in the most beautiful of ways" Lysa Terkeurst. It makes me want to live. It makes me want to live fully. But like
Ann says, if I am thirsty I must start to drink. Reading about water will not quench my thirst. I must DRINK. I must do something about it. And it is sure to change my life, a life shamefully wrought with ingratitude and unbelief, if I let it. And I am sure it will change yours too. Do I want that change badly enough to step out of the boat and walk to Him?