Something really sad happened a few days ago. Whitney Houston, my absolute favorite singer and the woman I wanted to be just like before drugs and alcohol destroyed her life, died. I wonder if anyone knows my biggest and wildest dream when I was growing up was to be a famous singer. Needless to say, not anymore. Now I just love to sing. Anyway, I was perusing all the YouTube videos on Whitney and could hardly believe the lyrics to some of those songs! Well, what I couldn't believe was that once upon a time I thought all that sappiness was what real love was. Once upon a time I fell for the Hollywood and musicians' versions of true love, and I fell hook, line, and sinker. I was convinced it was all about good feelings and I lived in the fantasy world of wistful thinking and I kissed a whole lot of frogs hoping to find my prince and float away into my fairy tale love story, living happily ever after, madly in love forever.
Well, I did find my prince, or rather God brought him to me, but our story sure wasn't pretty (though it is perfectly beautiful to me now) and I'm pretty convinced if he had known the depths of my brokenness and the pain I would cause him, he would have run the other way as fast as he could. But God knew. Somehow in His sovereignty, my father was the man he was, with no love to give me or anyone else for that matter. But in God's kindness, He gave me a husband whose steadfast love has never forsaken me. He has had every reason to leave me, yet he has never stopped loving me, never even uttered the word divorce, or even hinted that he wanted to leave. Sometimes I do wonder if he was ever tempted. It has been messy. It has been painful, mostly for him as he has born the brunt of me trying to make peace with my shattered past and believe that God really loves and accepts me. Yet after nearly 17 years he is still here, and not just "here" but loving me lavishly, being the strong arms I can always fold myself into. He has forgiven unfathomable wrongs. He is the best gift Father ever gave me, a true real life token of HIS steadfast love and grace. Words could never begin to describe how thankful I am for this man I know I just don't deserve, but am so thankful he is mine. Oh, how I hope to spend the rest of my days showering him with all the reverence I could possibly give. Yet I know my brokenness will show itself again, and yes, he is broken too. And by God's grace and kindness alone He will keep on loving me and forgiving my foolishness. This is true love. This is what a soul mate does. You make a decision to love no matter how messy it gets, and it hasnt gotten much messier than me. So this Valentine's Day, which I still consider to be a rather silly holiday, at least the way much of the world views it, I will choose to celebrate what true love is, the relentless love of God and how He has manifested that love to us in His Son, Jesus, and to me personally in my dear husband. He doesn't read my blog so he will probably never see this, but thank you, Love, for loving me. Thank you for never leaving me or giving up on me. Thank you for being a mirror for the love of Jesus. Heart bowed low, I thank Father. Happy Valentine's Day.
Monday, February 13, 2012
How I learned what love really is
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
“How can any of us who have tasted the extravagant love of Christ be stingy with our resources? Doesn’t His compassion toward us make us naturally disposed to help those in need? If we see someone who has a need that we can meet, how can our heart not want to help them? Won’t we love the fatherless, and the widow, and the shut-in, and the homeless, since we know that we once were fatherless, estranged from the Father, disabled, and headed for eternal separation from God?”
— J. D. Greear
Gospel: Recovering the Power that Made Christianity Revolutionary
Thursday, January 19, 2012
In the pursuit of JOY...
Counting the gifts must begin again. And so Father, I do.
130. The sweet smell of little girls after a bath
131. Molly telling me I smell delicious after a shower.
132. Laughter when Molly says we must find a pink gas station she can visit since she couldn't go visit fire station with her brothers.
133. Watching Bethany run on her little strong and healthy legs, hair flying in the wind.
134. My porch, where I sit and recall the gifts with a cool breeze. Feels like the gentle stroke of Your hands across my cheek.
135. A forgiving and loving husband, who loves me lavishly. Me? So undeserving.
136. Laughter of boys as they play rough and tumble football. Oh, my wonder at boys never ends.
137. Joshua taking care of my feet last night.
138. Scrabble games with friends online
139. Cheap Date nights with hubby at the new gas station pizza place on the corner.
140. You never leave us or forsake us, though I've given you every reason to.
141. Max McLean's voice reading the Scriptures as I follow along, making them come alive.
142. Popcorn
143. Delightful weather.
144. David, the homeless man You've called us to minister to and get to know. Every life has a story. I wonder what his is? Thank You that he is right there on the bench, always under our nose, and Your grace that doesn't let us just pass by.
145. Books
Father, put the salve on my eyes that I may see, more and more, the gifts you bestow upon me. thank You, Father for all these.
love, Your daughter
Monday, January 9, 2012
I love the "now" when it comes to technology
My dear dear husband bought me an iPad for Christmas and I must say I am enjoying it immensely! Secretly I think he bought me my own because I could not keep my hands off his! But in any case, I remember thinking as a little girl how cool it would be if you could see the person you were talking to. I also remember how far fetched it sounded at the time! And now it can be done on an iPad, iTouch, or iPhone with Facetime. Amazing, simply amazing I tell you. So far my 2 favorite features are the reminders app, Youversion, and Bible.is app. With the reminders icon I can make lists that can't be lost as my iPad always rests in the same place, and it can fit in my purse. I took it to Walmart the other day and happily got all I needed and could then just delete my list. You can even set it to remind you of something at a certain time. The other thing whose praises I cannot sing loud enough are the Bible apps. With Youversion, I was simply giddy that I can get any version of the Bible in any language, with large or small font (large for this gal) and some can even be read aloud. I can highlight, bookmark, make notes on anything, search for live Bible studies, choose from a plethora of reading plans, and the list goes on. Since leaving Facebook because it was completely controlling my life, I decided to go with the very aggressive 90 day through the whole Bible plan. You can even get an accountability partner on Youversion and they can also send you daily reminders. The best part for me is the read aloud feature. See, my mind wanders terribly when I read Scripture and it can take me a long time to get through a chapter that way. I think this was a big reason I dreaded Bible reading, because I could never stay focused on what I was reading. But with the read aloud feature it keeps me focused and my mind from wandering. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! I am excited again about Bible reading! Yay!! I also found Bible.is app which is a dramatized reading. I used that this morning and loved it. I remember when the Kindle first came out and thinking I would never want or like an ereader because I just love the book in my hand, and while I do still LOVE books and will always buy books, as far as the Bible goes, I prefer reading it on the iPad. While Youversion requires a wifi or 3G connection, I was still able to download a free Bible to read myself when in the car or at church. So today I am just so thankful for the generosity of God and my husband for bestowing such a gift to me that will enrich my life so much by getting me back into God's Word and being excited about it.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
A week late...Starting 366 days of JOY
Well, I haven't even visited my own blog in months and can hardly believe it has been 5 months since I have written anything. And then I come here and the last post causes tears to well up in my eyes again. I guess it is fair to say I am still grieving my dad's loss. Sometimes when I drive by the neighborhood where I last had any real contact with him it surfaces, but then I come here and read my last typed words and it is unthinkable and unbearable. How can the heart even imagine such horrible suffering and pain? 2011 was a really rotten and a really great year all in one. The rotten being my sin and grieving the physical and eternal loss of my earthly father with the ensuing doubts and fist clenching and fists beating the air and screaming internally and sometimes externally "Why!!???" The rotten being me using every form of escapism I can find besides drinking and drugs, losing myself in Netflix late at night, Facebook all day, or whatever else I can run to besides of arms of my Heavenly Father. The rotten year of a terrible backslidden condition where there is hardly any prayer or Bible reading because I just get tired of always feeling like I don't measure up and always bumbling around in my feeble attempts at prayer. The year of confusion. Just what does a relationship with God look like? How do I approach Him? To confess the truth, I have hardly ever approached with anything but terror and shame. I believed the Gospel with all my heart when I was 5 years old and begged God to save me. And now I am 40 and still struggling with assurance. But in an irony that is almost hard to believe 2011 was a year when I was about as spiritually barren as I could it was also the year when He is assuring me that I am still His. He is absolutely determined (which Im very thankful for) to let me know it is ALL ABOUT HIM and HIS LOVE FOR ME. So I feel like I am rambling on here, but truthfully I am just writing from a stream of consciousness and processing all that last year held. I was glad to say goodbye to that year and mildly hopeful about 2012. Well, there I go again, basing the years success or lack of success on my abilities. There is a great deal of fear heading into this year when I look at myself. I mean, my kids are not exactly homeschool poster children academically or spritually. All I can ever seem to look at is my horrible failure as a mother. And I won't even GO there when it comes to being a wife. Let's just say, my poor husband!!
So anyway, back to the original reason for this post. I purposed in my heart for this year to focus only on the positive things God is doing and has done. Being such a complainer and tending to focus on the negative means it will take a purposeful and resolute heart to do this. It will also take some God glasses. Oh, how I need those. I need to KNOW what is true and believe it and internalize it and never let go of it. And so I have decided to start my gratitude journal again and journaling here how the Lord is making this change. I WANT JOY back. I want to be changed. Truthfully, part of me is scared to death for how the Lord will teach this stubborn child these lessons she's been so slow to learn. Oh, Lord, all I want for this new year is a teachable and submissive, quiet heart and to never ever question or doubt Your goodness again. I confess my rotten ungratefulness publicly and ask for Your cleansing and forgiveness. I miss You. I really do.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Good - bye, Dad
Rayno Honka born September 18, 1948.
Died January 13, 2001
I keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. I would have loved him if given the chance. As far as I know he lived and died without Christ, and that means that we will never be reconciled in the next life. Things will never be made right. I am really trying to process that.
I am trying to process the fact that my father is in hell at this moment and suffering things I can't even imagine and don't want to. So I am experiencing a grief and pain that is almost unbearable. Not only for what was lost in this life, but for all eternity, my father's soul. And in the end, that is all that matters. If you are reading this, please consider where you will spend eternity and make sure it is forever with Jesus. I will post this on Facebook in the hopes that all my friends will read it and ponder this question seriously. This life is a vapor. This world and all its pleasures are passing away. The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ, His Son. I have believed this Gospel nearly all my life and He has been so good to me. I invite you to please, please come to My Jesus. PLease repent of your sins and be saved.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Making memories
Money is tight and we've decided to not really take a vacation this year and just do as much as we can locally. The boys have really gotten into fishing this summer. We have a lake by our house and they are there nearly every day and nearly every day they catch something. So we decided last week to try saltwater fishing. Mom was pretty excited at the prospect of actually being able to eat something they caught. (Never mind the fact that none of us has the slightest clue how to clean and filet a fish.. oh wait!! Youtube!!) Anyhoo, we set out with grand plans and high hopes. I brought my friend's son with us, whom my boys get along very well with, and she watched the girls at her house. I went to WalMart first to get bait where I came up empty, so the boys reminded me of the bait shop we always pass on the way to our favorite beach. We stopped and picked up some frozen squid, and we also encountered a man who told us about a better fishing spot on a pier. We left the bait shop with squid in hand and as soon as I started driving, a very loud sound reached our ears, accompanied with the van feeling very strange as I drove. I wasn't sure what was wrong; I thought something was caught under the tire or I was dragging something, when the boys assured me I had a flat tire. Thankfully, I was able to pull into an empty parking lot right across the street and thankfully, for the first time in my life, my darling hubby who I would feel lost without, had thought to sign us up for AAA a few months ago. So we called and were informed that the wait would be 1 hour. I had 5 boys with me in the sweltering heat... an hour? Well, it just so happened that this particular day happened to be free slurpee day at 7-11 and there just "happened" to be a 7-11 about a block away. So we walked and got our free slurpees, pulled out our beach chairs and sat in the shaded parking lot waiting for AAA. The boys just played and joked around and I enjoyed watching them. The man came, put my donut on, and we still had time to make it to the beach, though we had to change the location since we were delayed. We decided to try the pier that the man at the bait shop had told us about. We get there and find out it costs money to go on the pier to fish and we don't have enough. So after standing there for some time and trying to figure out who should go on the pier and who should stay, the man told us to try the alternative, the docks across the street, which we did. Well, our grand hopes of catching some fish (and my grand hopes of eating them!) were not realized. But after spending some time trying, we went back to the beach and I just sat there and watched those boys frolic and play in the water, having the time of their life. It was one of those snapshots in life that you just want to remember and hold onto. These days of youth and my full nest are flying by at a dizzying speed, so I am all the more thankful for these moments, when I can watch my children enjoy just being young and free, without a care in the world. At that moment my heart was never more full, pregnant with more than I can express in words. It was a day I will never forget, a day etched in all our memories. This is one of those rare moments in my life where the whole thing just really felt like a blessing. I mean, we sat in chairs in the shade of an empty parking lot while we enjoyed free slurpees and we were still able to enjoy fishing and swimming and each other.This is a cell phone picture and not a very good one, but it captures the moment well. Thanks for all the little tokens of Your amazing love that day, Father.
Thank you for the memories, and thank you for my children.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Two heavenly helpers
Wow, it's been a long time since I have blogged. I shouldn't even be sitting here now, but I want to record this before it slips from memory. I have always been a very easily stressed and overwhelmed kind of person. The littlest thing can sometimes cause a major meltdown, as in this case. A few weeks ago, Bethany dropped an entire bowl of black beans and rice on the floor. You would think that after having kids for 16+ years now I would be quite used to spilled food and drink, and even be able to laugh at it. You would think.... And truthfully, sometimes it doesn't get to me at all. But on this particular day when that happened I broke down in sobs, covering my face in my hands. (Hey, at least I didn't yell.) I was crying out something to Father, and though I don't remember exactly what, I do know I wasn't giving thanks like I should have been and counting it all joy." Then Molly quickly grabbed a dustpan and started cleaning up the mess without a prompting and Bethany came up and rubbed my back, saying, "It ok, mama. I sorry." How quickly my heart just melted. Even in the midst of overwhelming stress and the fact that my response was not as it should have been, HE sent these 2 heavenly reminders of HIS great love. He does not repay us according to our iniquities. He repays us with mercy and grace. Always. Oh, how HE loves us. Mind boggling, isn't it?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Reflections, looking ahead, hunger and need for change
I was just lying in my bed reading this book and it just seemed like a good time to post what is on my heart. I am nearly 3 weeks late but I have been wanting to reflect on the incredible year that I just had. 2010 was a year of major changes, major deliverances, and pretty much the best year of my life. It was the year of renewal in love for our wounded and turbulent marriage, a year of deliverance from crippling depression, shedding a bunch of weight, including weights of my own self condemnation, and most importantly, a year of learning what it really means to learn more of God as Father. Having never had an earthly father, this lesson has been one that I have been very slow to learn. He really IS my Father and ALWAYS will be. I am His forever and nothing will ever change that. I am still chewing on and trying to digest this fact; the fact that I can never do anything that will make Him give up on me or stop loving me.
So as I say goodbye to last year, there is a certain amount of fear. Seems like the only place to go from a year like that was down; or actually from a God perspective, that would be up. But my perspective is always marred, always smudged with the black of unbelief. Back to sitting on the hard bench of suffering to learn what I need to learn? Like, ok Tina, now you've enjoyed a lot of good things from Me, it's time to learn some hard lessons again. Time for clouds and rain after lots of sunshine and oh, how I've always been so scared of those clouds and rain.
Now I am having trouble gathering my thoughts... but in essence, I feel like I feasted on all His gifts last year and neglected the Giver. I gobbled them all up and wanted more and more, yet was never satisfied and always coming up empty. I have quickly forgotten all His mercies to me last year and barrelled right into this year wearing the same old clothes of discontent and grumbling, blinded again by unbelief and ingratitude, all the while trying to fill myself, succeeding for a time and then coming up empty again. Running away instead of running to. I need a filling. I need to drink. I am becoming thirsty again. And then that book comes in the mail yesterday... a day when I'm full of bitterness and complaining. A day when I didn't want to get out of my pajamas.
Having a son on the verge of being a prodigal will do that to you. Tear up this aching mother heart whose worst fear seems to be coming true. A day when everything around me screams it has all been for nothing. You failed!! Bad wife, bad mother, bad Christian... bad, bad, bad. And that old enemy of mine just loves to whisper his accusations in my ear, and I eat them up, time after time. But I don't realize they are coming from my enemy and myself. Of course, I am my own worst enemy at times. I listen to the accusations that God could not be good. I listen and the anger and hatred festers. The fists beat hard. I wail and scream inside if not out. No, No, NO!!! No more pain. No more hard medicine. I can't swallow it anymore. I run and hide in my bed. Then I pick up her book.
Her story of healing.
And I am mesmerized. I am moved. I am pierced to the very depths of my unbelieving and spoiled brat heart. There is so much I could write about this book, which I am only halfway through, but time escapes me right now. All I can say is it is profoundly moving and it will force you to dig down deep. It will "mess with you in the most beautiful of ways" Lysa Terkeurst. It makes me want to live. It makes me want to live fully. But like
Ann says, if I am thirsty I must start to drink. Reading about water will not quench my thirst. I must DRINK. I must do something about it. And it is sure to change my life, a life shamefully wrought with ingratitude and unbelief, if I let it. And I am sure it will change yours too. Do I want that change badly enough to step out of the boat and walk to Him?
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Reflections on one of the best days of my life
So today was race day, my first 5k. Wow, where to even start? First of all, I don't feel like I really prepared well for it. We went on vacation for Thanksgiving and I did run 3 times while away and added speed intervals, which did seem to help in many ways, but when we came home busyness and shopping, plus cold weather and my loathing of running on the treadmill means I didn't run as much as I would have liked. In fact, my mind was very much on other things and I had really been focusing more on my gym classes like strength training and training camp classes. (FUN!!) In some ways I was even regretting signing up for the race and did not feel confident that I would do well at all, and just kind of wanted to get it over with. However, when I woke up this morning I got excited and was looking forward to it. And then it started to rain. Really hard. And the forecast didn't look good either, calling for thunderstorms right at race time. And now comes the embarrassing part. I got really, really angry. All I could think of was something I had really been looking forward to and working so hard for was going to be taken away. (Aren't we so silly and fickle and SINFUL? Look what I wrote just above about not really wanting to do it until it looked like it might not happen. Well, deep down I think I really did want to do it, just didn't want to do poorly and embarrass myself. See that whole me, me, me theme again?) It's not that I really minded running in the rain, but I certainly didn't see how I could run in a deluge and what would I then do with my kids? I didn't want them to get soaked and had nobody to watch them if I did decide to run it. The devil just loves to use these opportunities to whisper lies in my ear and cause me to doubt God's love. Wow, nothing is ever new under the sun. And being the dumb sheep I am I fall for it every time and think God is against me and just wants me miserable. So I threw a very big temper tantrum, yelled at my dear friend Karen, and went to my bed to cry and sulk like a baby. I had made up my mind that I wasn't going after hubby said to stay home because it was raining too hard. I just lay there and ranted at God... then started to cry and said out loud, "I've lost all my heart to do it." Then that gentle and still small voice said, "Will you do it for Me?" It was so clear and so obvious it was my sweet Saviour because my heart was immediately melted and smitten and broken and changed all at once. Nobody but Him could do that. Up until that moment it had all been about me: my weight, my preparations, my performance, me, me, me. And then it just all changed at once. A few sweet words from my dear Savior and that was all I needed. It still amazes me that He would choose to speak to me in the midst of such sinful and spoiled brat behavior. And that He would ask me to run for Him?? How could I say no? I had SOMEONE SO much BIGGER than me to run for!!!! I used to think God didn't care about stuff like that. I was too "spiritual" to think God could have any thought for those kinds of things. Hey, you learn something new every day... Well, I got out of that bed, came out and repented to my dear children, my friend, and my husband for my idiocy, and had faith that everything would be ok though the weather still looked awful. To make a long story shorter, I ran that race. I ran it in 33:55, (not a personal best) passing the lady I had been behind nearly the whole race at the finish line, and experienced one of the happiest and most exhilirating moments of my life. And He even gifted me with a rainbow right in the middle of the run. Oh, how good He is!!! I ran for Him, for His glory, and because He loves me. Wow. Thank you Jesus. And I will be turning on the comments for this one. :) Pictures will come later.
Oh, and by the way, it didn't rain for the whole race!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
In case anyone is wondering.
I have started blogging for Jesus. That is why site meter and comments are off. I read this very convicting blogger's prayer, and made the decision. I sheepishly confess that I would obssessively wonder who and when anyone was reading and would fret and stumble over seeing all these people reading and visiting and not commenting... and then struggling with feelings of rejection and worries of "Oh no!" Should I have posted that? Should I have been THAT honest? Now I really don't care. I am blogging for Jesus and myself and if that happens to bless someone else, I thank God, without worrying or ever needing to know this side of heaven if that happens. Jesus, may You be glorified in this blog and in the stories and dances of our lives that You are writing and orchestrating. Of course, this all goes with saying, emails are most certainly welcome anytime. I do most certainly love all my readers, known and unknown and thanks for reading my ramblings. May you all revel in Father's love every moment.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
When silence is not golden
Silence is not golden when we fail to give thanks and praise. Remembering God's gifts is the only way to remember how He loves. Father, forgive the guilty silence as of late.
116-130
the gift of a new Pampered Chef stone when mine accidentally broke. Wasn't sure I wanted to spend $30 to replace it and then the consultant shows up at my door with one.
beautiful piano music playing as I type
a patient and forgiving husband
forgiving children
Molly's free affection
a full stomach this morning
the freedom to go vote today
Florida Virtual School
my beautiful mother
the story from 1 Kings 17 and the very enlightening analogy by my Pastor on Sunday: The fact that there was always just enough meal and oil for THAT meal. And there is always just enough grace for this moment and how we must trust and look to Him continually to provide
my friend Karen and her sharpening ways
text messaging
a huge gift from such a sweet friend... a bag filled with needs plus a beautiful necklace reminding me I am chosen, created, celebrated, and cherished. The fact that it came on a day of particular wickedness and unthankfulness on my part is even more mind blowing.
some great finds at Goodwill yesterday and one of them was a size 4 skirt.. Gasp!
a letter from a friend's son in Ethiopia and to see the love he has for Jesus. SO encouraging!
Monday, November 1, 2010
I did it!!
On Saturday night, I registered for my first 5k on December 18. Wow, it seems like a dream... A week before Christmas??? !!! Am I nuts? Maybe. I think I'm going to be very nervous on race day and the days leading up to it. I'm really glad my friend Karen will be running with me or I don't know if I would be brave enough. I have started to add some speed intervals to my runs as I heard that helps with speed and I am STILL trying to get through the whole 3 without walking, though I am very close. Walking breaks are now only 15-30 seconds... After this race I think I might just set my sights on a half marathon. I LOVE running long distances! There is a lot of training involved with that so we will see. And I am going to be increasing runs to 2 times per day a couple days a week, Lord willing. I did a strength training class at the gym this morning.. FINALLY! I have been working out with the machines for 3 weeks, but free weights are just a little different. What probably would have been a very hard class a few months ago was fairly easy and I made it through 90 percent with only a couple stops. And the best news of all is that the scale has started moving again and I now weigh less than I did before I had children. Wahoo!! And I have never felt better in my life. I am so thankful. Well, bye bye blog. Off to work.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
For this child I prayed.....
I love you.
Thanks Daddy.
